200 Dad Jokes to Tickle Your Funny Bone!
Welcome to the ultimate dad joke vault! Brace yourself for groans, giggles, and pure silliness. Dive into our collection below!
The Classics & The Puns
1. I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.
2. My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.
3. I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.
4. How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.
5. I don't trust trees. They seem kind of shady.
6. Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.
7. What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
8. What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
9. I would tell a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.
10. What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
11. How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.
12. Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.
13. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
14. What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.
15. I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.
16. What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie? Sofishticated.
17. Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
18. What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare-line.
19. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
20. Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
Food & Drink
21. Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.
22. What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.
23. Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
24. I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know.
25. What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.
26. Why did the melon jump into the lake? It wanted to be a water-melon.
27. What do you call a cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.
28. Why are pirates called pirates? Because they arrrr!
29. What's a vampire's favorite fruit? A blood orange.
30. Why did the cookie go to the doctor? Because it felt crummy.
31. What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A pouch potato.
32. Why did the baker stop making doughnuts? He got sick of the hole thing.
33. What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
34. I asked my dad for his best dish. He gave me a recipe for a broken plate.
35. Why is milk the fastest thing on earth? Because it’s pasteurized before you see it.
Animals
36. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
37. What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky.
38. What do you call a dog that does magic tricks? A labracadabrador.
39. Where do cows go on a Saturday night? To the moo-vies.
40. Why don't elephants use computers? They're afraid of the mouse.
41. What do you get when you cross a snowman and a dog? Frostbite.
42. Why do ducks have feathers? To cover their butt quacks.
43. What do you call a pony with a sore throat? A little hoarse.
44. What's a frog's favorite drink? Croaka-Cola.
45. Why did the frog call his insurance company? He had a jump in his car.
46. What do you call a fish that needs a tie? A so-fish-ticate.
47. How do you catch a squirrel? Climb a tree and act like a nut.
48. What do you call a bear stuck in the rain? A drizzly bear.
49. Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide.
50. What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.
Work & Money
51. I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.
52. Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems.
53. Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.
54. I'm reading a book on anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
55. Why did the accountant break up with her boyfriend? He was too taxing.
56. What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? "Supplies!"
57. My job at the coffee shop was just grinding away.
58. I applied to be a doorman, but couldn't get my foot in the door.
59. Why did the banker quit his job? He lost interest.
60. I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.
Family & Home
61. Hey, did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.
62. Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.
63. What did the father say to his son when he couldn't find the TV remote? "Don't worry, it'll turn up eventually."
64. I asked my dad if he'd put my shoes in the dryer. He said, "Yes, but they're not dry yet."
65. My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. He's a web designer.
66. Why did the kid bring a ladder to school? He wanted to go to high school.
67. My family's so poor, our idea of a vacation was staring out a broken window.
68. My son asked me to put his shoes on. I said, "I don't think they'll fit me."
69. I told my son I was named after a famous gunfighter. He said, "Really, what was his name?" I said, "Dad."
70. My wife is really angry because I donated all her clothes to charity. I guess you could say she's livid.
Everyday Objects
71. What did one wall say to the other wall? I'll meet you at the corner.
72. Why was the belt sent to jail? For holding up a pair of pants!
73. What did the light switch say to the person? "You turn me on."
74. I invented a new word: Plagiarism!
75. What's the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurty.
76. I would tell a joke about paper, but it's tearable.
77. Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's all right now.
78. How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.
79. I hate Russian dolls. They're so full of themselves.
80. What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.
Science & Technology
81. I just got a new password from my IT guy: "Incorrect." So now, when I type it wrong, my computer says, "Your password is incorrect."
82. Why was the computer so cold? It left its Windows open.
83. What did the smartphone say to the number? "You've got to call me sometime."
84. Where do robots go on vacation? The mother-boardwalk.
85. Why did the smartphone get glasses? It lost its contacts.
86. What's a computer's favorite beat? An algorithm.
87. Did you hear about the computer that got a cold? It had a virus.
88. Why did the website break up with the search engine? It found a better match.
89. What do you call an iPhone that isn't kidding? Dead Siri-ous.
90. My new computer's voice-activated. I spent all day yelling, "You're the worst purchase I've ever made!"
Transportation
91. Why was the car feeling nervous? It had a big test ahead.
92. What do you call a train carrying bubblegum? A chew-chew train.
93. Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two tired.
94. What's a car's favorite movie? A fast and furious one.
95. Why did the man get hit by a car every day? Because it was a hit and run.
96. My first car was a convertible. The top broke, so I just called it "The Vertible."
97. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick.
98. Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels.
99. I'm thinking of selling my vacuum cleaner. It's just collecting dust.
100. Why did the stadium get hot after the game? All the fans left.
School & Education
101. Why did the student eat his homework? Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake.
102. What did the pencil say to the other pencil? "You're looking sharp."
103. I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed.
104. The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
105. Why did the teacher wear sunglasses? Because her students were so bright.
106. What's a king's favorite subject? Ruler-istics.
107. Why did the music teacher need a ladder? To reach the high notes.
108. I failed math so many times, I can't even count.
109. What did the calculator say to the student? "You can count on me."
110. Why was the geometry book so adorable? It was acute.
Weather & Nature
111. What did one hurricane say to the other hurricane? I have my eye on you.
112. How does a rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator.
113. What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!
114. Why did the sun go to school? To get a little brighter.
115. What kind of tree can you carry in your hand? A palm tree.
116. What falls but never gets hurt? The rain.
117. Why did the cloud break up with the ground? It needed space.
118. What month do trees fear the most? Sep-timber!
119. What did the mountain say to the earthquake? "Not my fault!"
120. Why did the gardener quit his job? He was tired of putting down roots.
Sports & Games
121. Why was the basketball court wet? The players kept dribbling.
122. I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just in it for the kicks.
123. Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.
124. What do you call a sad cup of coffee? A depresso.
125. Why did the chess player get mad? His opponent took his queen, so he took her king.
126. What's a baseball player's favorite kind of music? A pop fly.
127. Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarterback.
128. What do you call a line of rabbits marching backwards? A receding hareline.
129. I used to be a tennis player, but I couldn't handle the racket.
130. Why did the referee give the basketball a red card? For excessive dribbling.
Health & Body
131. I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I'm okay.
132. Why did the nose not want to go to school? It was tired of being picked on.
133. What did the doctor say to the patient with a lightbulb in his mouth? "You're going to have to change."
134. I have a joke about a headache, but I don't want to bother you with it.
135. Why did the skeleton go to the party alone? He had no body to go with him.
136. What did the hip say to the hip replacement? "You're a real pelvis."
137. Why did the man put his money in the blender? He wanted to make liquid assets.
138. I have a joke about cholesterol, but it's a little thick.
139. Why did the bacteria cross the microscope? To get to the other slide.
140. My doctor told me I have a habit of nodding too much. I said, "Is that right?"
Holidays
141. What do you call an elf who sings? A wrapper!
142. Why was the Thanksgiving soup so expensive? It had 24 carrots.
143. What do you call a scary skeleton? A nervous wreck.
144. What is a pumpkin's favorite sport? Squash.
145. Why did the Easter egg hide? He was a little chicken.
146. What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire? Frostbite.
147. What's the best thing to put into a pumpkin pie? Your teeth.
148. Why did Santa's helper see the therapist? He had low elf-esteem.
149. What's a ghost's favorite dessert? Boo-berry pie.
150. Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts.
More Random Gems
151. I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.
152. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick.
153. I don't trust people who do acupuncture. They're back stabbers.
154. What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a trampoline and a well-dressed man on a trampoline? Attire.
155. I was digging in the garden and found a treasure chest. I decided to bury it again. My wife asked why. I said, "It must be someone else's. The treasure chest has 'Y.M.C.A.' on the side."
156. Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs.
157. I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.
158. What do you call a dinosaur that crashes his car? Tyrannosaurus Wrecks.
159. I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.
160. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
The Final Stretch
161. Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
162. What do you call a bear with no socks on? Bare-foot.
163. I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice.
164. What did the ocean say to the sailor? Nothing, it just waved.
165. Why did the man put his clock in the blender? He wanted to make time fly.
166. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
167. What do you call a nervous javelin thrower? Shakespeare.
168. I'm on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.
169. Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It felt crummy.
170. What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud.
The Home Stretch
171. Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents.
172. What do you call a cow during an earthquake? A milkshake.
173. Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.
174. What do you call a pony with a sore throat? A little hoarse.
175. I used to be a baker, but I couldn't make enough dough.
176. What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
177. Why did the man get fired from the orange juice factory? He couldn't concentrate.
178. What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs? A condescending con descending.
179. I told my computer I needed a break. Now it won't stop sending me vacation ads.
180. Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!